Forbidden

Long live the queen - Long live the queen - Long live the queen! The echo of his own and everyone else's words were still ringing in his ears as he walked through the hallways of the castle on his way back to his own quarters. He had smiled the way he had been told to, cheered for her – for them – and yet deep in his heart he knew it was all lies, always had been.
He shook his head as he walked on, slowly but determined. His footsteps echoing back from the cold stone walls surrounding him, closing in on him, suffocating him. It was entirely too much. He rubbed his temple as he stopped for a moment, balancing his weight trying to regain his strength and the façade he had built up over the past years which had taken a deep crack that day and had slowly started to crumble to pieces.
The young man ran a hand through his raven hair and looked around, before shaking his head once again and moving on. He couldn't stay there. The bustling of servants and lords and ladies around him with their happy chatter made his fists clench and all his emotions he had buried deep within his heart threatened to burst out of him. There was no way he would let them out in front of everyone, not today, not ever. It was not proper.

Once he had reached the door to his and the physicians rooms he paused, his hand on the door knob.  
He closed his eyes again, trying to regain posture, even though he knew that his old friend was probably still at the feast, like everyone else. After all it was King Arthur's wedding and he was sure Guinevere made a beautiful queen, even for a servant. He had not looked at her during the whole coronation. His blue eyes had been on his king's the whole time. It would have hurt him too much to see her happy face as she held Arthur's hand and when they finally kissed – an oath of endless love – all he had been able to do was close his eyes for that particular moment and choked back his tears.

Of course Gaius was not in as he set foot into their little quarters and he closed the door quietly behind himself, leaning back against it. He was safe in here. Everyone else was still celebrating the new queen of Camelot and he was sure no one would miss him. He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the door, taking a deep breath.
His fingers tingled and he felt his magic surge through him. He made a fist and gripped into his reddish brown coat. The thick fabric was soft and warm under his cold skin. It was as if his life had been drained from him completely and his powers were trying to win over his listless body, wanting to break out. He couldn't let them, had to remain in control. In control. Control.

In a sudden fit of emotion, Merlin slipped down the door to the ground, crying and sobbing terribly and he buried his face in his arms, letting it all out at once. Glass vials burst into pieces all around the room, books fell from shelves and bottles exploded soundly, mixed with the young man's loud sobs. He cried like he had never cried before, his tears soaking his sleeves and wetting his red cheeks, making his vision blurry. Right now he didn't care if someone would see him like that, if someone would see him for who he really was, because everything he had been living for all this time had been pulled away from him that day forever and there was nothing left for him to care about.
And it hurt. It hurt so much he bit down into his arm, in order to stifle his cries at least for a bit. How could he ever stand before his king the same again? How could he face him after all that had been going on in his mind? How could he ever forgive himself for hating someone who used to be his best friend because of a shallow reason as his own feelings? He was not like that? Merlin was not egoistical. He loved his friends and yet he did not know how to face them. Not now not ever. He might just break down and cry the minute he would see them walking out of the same room one morning, or holding hands in front of everyone.
He still could remember the day he had seen them embracing each other when Morgana had been close to dying and it still hurt.
Merlin's sobbing quietened, but his forehead stayed on his arms, his eyes closed.
Arthur had given him the coat. It was an old one of his own. He had told him he could not wear the same as usual to his wedding. Merlin had simply nodded. Even when they had walked down to the Great Hall where all the guests had been waiting, present for the big day of their king it had not sunken in completely. Only when he had given Arthur a nod and the king had walked through the huge doors towards his throne, left him standing there alone and behind, Merlin had understood.
And all his feelings and longing had come crashing down on him like a ton of bricks and had made his shoulders slump in hurt and agony. What had he hoped for? In which delusional world of his own had he lived all this time? Had he seriously hoped Arthur would go back on his words? Had he actually believed he would stop the wedding because of him?
The sudden apprehension had struck him and Merlin had swallowed hard and clenched his fists in order to keep them from trembling. All this time he had been able to pretend that one day he would  be the one to make the one he loved happy, he had been so sure of himself at times when their eyes met, their touches lingered just a bit too long and their words and actions had meant so much more than anything else in this world.

Merlin snorted, angry at himself for believing in a fairy tale, for believing in a destiny that wanted him to end up being lonely. How was he supposed to serve and protect his king if all he did was hurting him. He took a deep breath and rubbed the tears from his eyes that would not stop falling. It had all been lies all along, he realised. He was not the one most important to the one person he wanted to be everything to and he would never be.  

The young man scrambled up to his legs and slouched over to his own room, banging the door shut in frustration and flopped down on the bed, not bothering to take his boots off. Arthur's boots. Not even these boots were his own. He tugged at the collar of his coat and tilted his chin, hiding his face in it. He could still smell a bit of Arthur on it and he let out a soft painful sigh as he felt the tears welling up again. Never would he bis his, never had he ever stood a chance in the first place. He couldn't bear children, he couldn't give Arthur what he wanted nor what he desired and never had the king looked at him the way he had always secretly hoped for, dreamed about.
"Then why did you always come back for me? Why were you always ready to give your life for ME?", Merlin sobbed under his breath, the hurt slowly replacing with frustration and anger, "WHY did you make me believe in our destiny? Why ask ME about what YOU should do?"
His words were left unheard and the young warlock punched his pillow in rage – once, twice.  
"WHY? Just because you are King, you think you can play with people's feelings?", he cried out, throwing the pillow to the closest wall. It fell down quietly.
"I HATE you!", he screamed as he fell back down into the sheets and continued sobbing soundly.

*

Only when Merlin woke up he realised he had cried himself to sleep. The night was pitch black outside and he rolled around to sit up. He whispered a short spell to lighten his bedside candle and looked around. His eyes still hurt from all the crying and he rubbed them gently, before getting to his feet. He wondered how long he had slept and since it was already night time and the wedding had been in the morning he felt a pang to the heart that no one seemed to have even bothered searching for him. He shrugged, smiling sadly and shook his head. No, no one would miss him, even if his magic were to be discovered.
Maybe Gaius, but not even his old friend had looked for him. It was almost like some kind of betrayal, but in the end he was in no position too demand anything. Thus he slowly made his way out of his room and into the hallways. Music and laughter was floating in the air, telling him that the celebrations were still going on. He decided to walk into the complete opposite direction and somehow found himself standing in front of the king's chambers at some point. Merlin did not know how he had even gotten here, his legs had their own mind it seemed. When he turned around to leave and go outside to maybe search for Gwaine, who was most possibly drunk by now but probably the only person he could talk to in the state he himself was in, the door to Arthur's chambers was pulled open and the blond man himself was taking a step outside, looking back into the room and one of his leather coats over his arm.
Merlin just stood there and stared, until Arthur saw him, his eyes opening wide.
"MERlin!", he exclaimed and stopped in his tracks, looking his servant and friend up and down.
The dark haired man kept quiet.
"Where have you been?", the king asked, raising his brows, "You went off the minute the wedding was over and I haven't seen you at the feast at all! I was just about to search for you, I got held up before, you know how it is with the guests wanting to congratulate and..." He stopped and looked at him again, taking in his red and swollen eyes and the mess his hair was, "Are you alright?"
There was real concern in his voice and Merlin bit down on his bottom lip to keep himself from starting to cry right here and then. Instead he nodded.
"Yes... never been... better", he lied.
Arthur eyed him suspiciously, "Don't lie to me, Merlin" He looked around and grabbed Merlin's arm, pulling him into his room and closed the door behind them, "Tell me. Did something happen? You know even if people talk behind your back about you it's not worth getting worked up over it"
Merlin shook his head and looked away, "It's not that"
"Then what is it? You ran off, do you even know what people were saying? That I can't even keep my servant under control? It's already bad enough as it is with marrying Gwen and-"
Merlin slapped him, right across his cheek and he had not even realised when he had risen his arm to do that. The younger man simply stared at his king's face, who looked back at him with wide and shocked eyes.
"What...?", the blonde said, irritated and his features became harder, "What are you even thinking?"
Merlin glared back at him through teary eyes, "How can you be so... so... just ARGH!" He clenched his fists and yelled at him, "INSENSITIVE?"
Arthur stared at him, blue eyes meeting blue ones. He rubbed his cheek and took a step backwards, Merlin followed him.
"How can you SAY that after you MARRIED her? How can you still NOT stand UP for us? HER?", he shouted at his king, invading his personal space, "You are such a HYPOCRITE, Arthur! You ALWAYS have been!"
"Merlin?", Arthur backed away again.
"At first you make us believe you are our friend, that you'd do ANYthing for us and then you push us away and pretend we are not worthy of your royal pratness!", Merlin went on, walking after him.
Arthur would take three steps back and Merlin three forward.
"You are the BIGGEST LIE I've EVER come across and-", Merlin's tears were falling again and even though he had promised himself he would bottle all his feelings up for good, right now all he felt was anger and betrayal and he wanted Arthur to know that, he wanted him to see what he had done to him and what hurt was, "I HATE you! I HATE you with all I have and I WISH I'd have never MET YOU!"
His actions betrayed his words though, as Merlin had Arthur backed into one of the stonewalls and was grabbing the fabric of his shirt loosely, clinging to him. "If I had never met you, I wouldn't feel like this. I wouldn't have to HURT like this! It's all your fault!"
Arthur looked at him, confused and lost. He did not understand that much was obvious.
"I...", Merlin stared at him, his expression a mixture between hate and hurt, "I thought..."
His face fell and all that was left was raw emotions and his voice became quiet, an almost whisper when he added, "I thought I was all you need, I thought we had something special"
That said he let go of him and fixed his gaze to the floor, before he looked up at him again, this time his eyes full of determination. Arthur stared back, speechless, a faint blush on his cheeks and Merlin smirked at him.
"You are my destiny and now I realise you don't see me the same way. I give up, what I should have done years ago, but I won't go just yet"
Arthur was silent, watching him, his lips a tight line.
"You hurt me, Arthur and I want you to know how that feels, what it's like to have your heart broken into pieces, taken out and tossed away"
"I...", Arthur began but couldn't finish, because Merlin was on him and pressing his lips to his king's forcefully, shoving him back into the wall with his own weight.
"Mer...", the king tried again, but was shut up by his servant's tongue pushing into his mouth through his parted lips.
The blonde man tried to struggle his way out of Merlin's grip, but was soon giving up at the strength his old friend had suddenly over him. Instead he let his arms fall down at his sides and balled his hands into fists.
Merlin pressed closer to him, not giving him any chance to flee or run from him. His eyes were shut tightly and it took him a moment to realise that Arthur was neither fighting him back nor was he trying to get away any longer. He did not even bite him, but at some point started kissing him back, which made the younger man even more eager. When he pushed one leg between Arthur's and let go of his mouth for a second to catch his breath, he was eliciting a soft moan from Arthur's lips.
His heart sped up at that unexpected development and he teethed Arthur's neck for good measure, trying to retrieve another sweet sound from his king.
There were no words between them, only soft panting and groans, when Arthur finally surrendered and wrapped his arms around Merlin's back, holding on to him. His breathing was unsteady and hot against Merlin's neck and a shudder ran down his spine as he realised that the blonde man was already hard in his breeches.
"Merlin", the king huffed, clinging to him, his knuckles turning white, "Wh... what are you...?"
But before he could go on, Merlin's lips were on his again and the dark haired man was kissing him soundly once more, pushing up into him. He moved his hands to Arthur's trousers, pushed up the shirt hanging in the way and opened the laces, before shoving his breeches and pants down his thighs.
"Shut up!", Merlin demanded with a dark voice and took his hardened member into his hands, beginning to stroke him slowly, listening to every little groan that Arthur made, "I'm in charge now"
The blonde man was completely under his control and did not dare to try and run. Merlin did not really understand what was going on, if Arthur truly liked what was happening right then or if he was simply putting up with him, out of guilt? Sure, the other man was feeling it, but that did not mean anything, did it?
Merlin shook mentally his head and stopped thinking. This was not the time to get lost in deep thoughts. Arthur was at his mercy and willingly no less, he would use this once in a lifetime chance and make the best of it. He wanted to make him loose his cool and his pride and see him coming undone.
Thus he let go of his mouth and trailed tender kisses down his jaw, his chin, his neck and towards his collarbone. With his free hand he pushed Arthur's shirt up even more, exposing his nipples to the hot air between them. "Arthur", Merlin groaned, blowing hotly against the centre of his bare chest, "Arthur..."
The younger man ran his hand over the slightly tanned skin of his king, brushing his fingers over one nipple, while his other hand was still pumping Arthur in a slow pace, drawing silent but sweet pleasure sounds from his lips. There were so many things Merlin wanted to say to Arthur, but everything got stuck in his throat. He was unable to form the words, scared of what it would do to him – to them. The bond they had had was already broken with what he had done to his best friend and he did not dare to cut the gap between them even deeper.
"Arthur", he hissed again and kissed his chest, licking over the damp and hot skin towards the other nipple, twirling his tongue around it teasingly.
Arthur moaned and bucked his hips, moving into Merlin's hand needy. He threw his head to the side, biting down on his bottom lip to keep himself from making too much noise, but it was useless. Merlin had him where he wanted him and slid down to his knees until he was face to face with Arthur's cock. He placed his hands on the other's hips, holding him back from moving forward.
"Shit... Merlin!", Arthur growled, chancing a glance down to his friend at his feet.
Their eyes met for a split of a second, before Arthur turned his face away again, humiliated. Merlin snorted and licked once over the tip of his cock experimentally. The way Arthur's hands came forward, gripping tightly into Merlin's hair was sign enough for the younger man to continue.
He licked his lips and looked once more up to Arthur, smirking to himself at how much the other seemed to need it.
"I'm gonna serve you, Sire", Merlin promised darkly and did not give his king the chance to even answer, but took him into his mouth, swallowing him in one go, while he kept his grip on Arthur's hips to restrain him.
The warlock closed his eyes, concentrating only at the task ahead and tried to even his own breathing through his nose.
"Mer... dammit... MERlin!", Arthur swore and pulled at his servant's hair, just enough to send pleasant tingles down Merlin's spine.
The king was moving his hips wanting and cursed under his breath at the way Merlin was holding him back. He needed it desperately, Merlin was sure. He could feel the blonde pulsing hotly in his mouth and his body was begging for it, but Arthur would not. He could not. He was the king and Merlin knew that. He knew the other would never submit, not that easily at least.
Merlin took his king even deeper into his mouth hitting the very back of his throat. He swallowed around him and felt Arthur shudder under his hold. A smirk was trying to force itself onto his lips, but he couldn't let it pass, his mouth was spread round his lord's cock after all.
Arthur was gripping into his hair even harder now and Merlin felt him coming close to the edge. To drive him completely insane the younger man moved one of his hands to Arthur's balls, stroking them.
"Uh", Arthur groaned louder. He threw his head back against the wall, "Mer... lin"
The younger man moved his tongue around the king's cock in his mouth, but before Arthur was able to cum, Merlin pulled back and got to his feet in a rushed movement. He grabbed the blonde by the arms and shoved him with force towards the bed, which thankfully was only a few steps away from where they stood. Arthur fell face first into the sheets and groaned annoyed, trying to turn around and wriggle his way away from Merlin's grip, but he was not able to. Merlin had him under control, fixing Arthur's wrists with his whole weight to the bed, he held him down.
"Arthur", the young warlock groaned and forced the other man further onto the bed, positioning himself behind him.
He shoved roughly Arthur's shirt up his back and pulled his breeches down. Before the king could even protest, he had him pinned down completely and licked down his spine towards his backside.
"M...MERlin!", Arthur gasped, when Merlin's tongue met his crack between his bum cheeks and a visible shiver went through his body. The blonde's legs were trembling and he kept his eyes squeezed shut.
"Beg", Merlin demanded, breathing hotly against his king's backside, "You want it, Arthur, don't you?"
He did not quite know where his sudden confidence came from, but he knew he had Arthur where he had always wanted him – almost.
"Merlin!", Arthur growled, "Don... don't...!"
Merlin swallowed hard at the way his friend's broken voice sounded and pressed a tender kiss to his right bum cheek, before he pushed a finger into him, making Arthur squirm. Without Arthur noticing he spoke a silent spell, easing his way inside as he added a second and a third finger. The blonde was groaning and wriggling under him and Merlin could not wait any longer. He got rid of his own trousers and spread Arthur's cheek, forcing his legs wider apart with his knees.
Merlin settled behind him and positioned himself.
"Arthur", he groaned under his breath as he pushed into his king with full force, his magic tingling pleasantly under his skin, keeping Arthur from too much pain.
"Mer...", the blonde hissed, biting into the sheets. He was clawing a pillow until his knuckles turned white. He would not give in that easily it seemed. He was too proud to let himself go like that, especially with a servant.
"Arthur!", Merlin groaned and took hold of Arthur's hips, starting to move in and out of him.
With every thrust Arthur's breath would hitch more but he would not say anything else any more.
"I love you", Merlin whispered, tears suddenly falling, realisation hitting him, that nothing would ever be the same again, "I love you, Arthur" Merlin bent down and kissed Arthur's shoulder, his tears wetting his back.
The king was quiet, only his irate panting was a sign that he was concious of what was happening.
"S... Sorry... I'm sorry", Merlin chanted, still moving hard into him, groaning loudly, "but... I wanted you... always... you were mine... I couldn't have her let you... before myself"
He started to wonder why Arthur had suddenly become that quiet, though it was obvious to him. Of course Arthur would hate him now, after what he had done to him, he had not only betrayed him by lying to him all this time which he still did no know, but he also had used him like this and betrayed their friendship.
Merlin thrust once, twice more deep into Arthur, who came just then, almost unable to stifle his moan and made Merlin come only seconds later. He was suppressing his own voice, biting down on his lip, drawing blood.
He pulled away after his orgasm and rolled around, away from his king, unable to face him.
A silent sobbing was audible from where Arthur lay and Merlin hid his face in his hands. How much he regretted his actions now.
If there was only a way to undo it all.
He was a warlock, was he not?
He looked back at the blonde man, lying there, his shoulders shaking.
"Arthur", Merlin began and crawled back to Arthur's side, pushing the other man gently on his back to look at him once more before taking away his memories.
"I-", the dark haired sorcerer cringed at the sight in front of him.
Arthur was hiding his own face behind his arm. However, tears were visible on his cheeks, slowly making their way down his face.
"I'm so sorry...", Merlin apologized, clenching his hands into the sheets, "I-" but was interrupted by Arthur: "I love you, too"
Merlin's eyes widened in shock. He could not have heard right, could he? "What?"
"I love you, Merlin. Why... why did you have to... do this?", Arthur asked, but not daring to meet his eyes, "It was... perfect... we were... good the way we were... why did you-"
He suddenly sat up, made a face as pain surged through him, and glared at Merlin with sad eyes, "Why did you destroy what we had? Now... how are we supposed to... go on? Tell me that, Merlin?"
He moved closer to his friend and servant, "I... I can't... we can't be together, so... so... why?"
The king swallowed hard and leaned his head against Merlin's shoulder, "It can never be... but... we could have been... friends... forever. Wasn't that... enough?"
His voice was quiet and hoarse and Merlin's own tears fell once again and he brought his arms around Arthur's back, holding him close, one last time, "It's alright... It's going to be alright... everything's going back to the way it... it was, Arthur... I promise"
He pulled back and smiled at him reassuringly, "I promise. You don't have to worry about anything, Arthur. I'll always make sure... that you are fine"
Arthur stared at him, "Fine? And how exactly are you going to do that?"
Merlin just smiled at him and closed his eyes, while he moved his hands to each side of Arthur's face and whispered words, foreign and dangerous, making his king forget everything that had just happened, that Merlin had ever set foot into his chambers that night.